Pass the Matches, I’ve got an Embassy to Burn…

After reading this article from MSN news, it’s plain to see that someone, somewhere, has a problem with everything. The most annoying part is that in this case, the person with the problem isn’t even the injured party!

Obama hasn’t seen the cartoon and from what I can gather, doesn’t fucking care, and why should he? It’s a picture of a cartoon monkey. Clearly Barbara Ciara, the President of the National Association of Black Journalists, has never seen her new president. He looks nothing like a monkey. He’s a lot less like a monkey than the last idiot they voted into power!

She says, “To compare the nation’s first African-American commander in chief to a dead chimpanzee is nothing short of racist drivel.” Now as I see it, it’s only a problem to those with an axe to grind, those who won’t let the race divide close because they still feel like they want to be persecuted… anything slightly black… fucking racist!

The keys on my keyboard are black… I must be racist. I drink my coffee black… I must be racist. My socks today are black…. fucking racist! In a world where the black community have started to take back the most derogatory term we had for them and make it mean something else, this whole ‘mentioning black, you’re a racist’ bullshit has got to stop. So someone likened the President of the United States to a monkey… big fucking deal… It’s certainly not news! What is news is the apparent right that people think they have to object to anything they damn well please and get it banned.

Barbara, seriously, get over yourself, if you’re that upset, get some matches and some petrol and go burn the American embassy down… At least then it would be news worthy.

Parting shot: I was deeply saddened to see the headline ‘Boy, 5, Killed by Crocodile’. I thought it said ‘Boy, 5, Kills Crocodile’.

Chips! Chips and Smack!

I’ve been having a bit of a clear out today… Not only have I found a desk under all the junk that surrounds my computer, I’ve also found that I’ve actually lost my chromatic tuner somewhere, possibly Mars, and I’ve found a scrap of paper salvaged from an ancient copy of the Metro which I kept with the intention of writing this post six months ago.

Not only do we, as the general populace, bow to whatever the press say, we also attribute them with more power than we should allow to a multi headed consumer hydra with the power to change minds and bend wills. The story I plucked from the Metro (owned by the Daily Fear and Loathing, don’cherknow!) is about drugs in Manchester. The headline guaranteed to shock and awe and incite fear and hatred reads “‘Cheap as chips’ drugs fuel deaths”. You’d be forgiven for rushing to Manchester with your grubby fiver hoping to buy your weight in cheap drugs. I go to Manchester pretty often and I’ve never been offered any drugs… No one has even offered me a cigarette (They’ve certainly shaken me down for enough – much to my dismay!).

Apparently, in Manchester, “You can buy a bag of speed for £10 or £15. It’s as cheap as chips.” There’s some context needed to quantify this statement. How big a bag? Are we talking a baggie? or are we talking a 120litre pack? Silliness aside, I’d assume we’re referring to a baggie. Which makes for some expensive chips!

If I was paying £10-£15 for chips I’d want chips made from the first potato crop from a buddhist temple on the highest mountain in Tibet, tended only by the wisest monks. I’d want them slicing on a hand made knife from old Japan and I’d want them frying in the oil scraped from the breasts and buttocks of a well oiled Summer Glau! Anything else just doesn’t come close to warranting that price.

Clearly you can’t get drugs as cheaply as you can get chips in Manchester. Unless you consider the food coming from Turkish Dan’s Burger Emporium a drug… maybe some kind of version of aspirin with added potassium cyanide.

More Dickery From Those Bastards at Usenext and CCI Legal

This morning I received yet another email from someone else being hounded by the bastards at CCI Legal and USENEXT. I had thought it’d gone quiet again and they’d decided to give it a rest. Clearly not.

So I’ve decided that I’ll pick up where I left off with this debacle. If you remember, I sent Usenext a message telling them to ‘kindly get to fuck’. I also sent an email to CCI Legal asking that they prove the debt. Usenext insisted on me giving them the £101 I ‘owe’ them. CCI Legal didn’t reply.

They still haven’t. So fuck ‘em!

I’d be curious to hear how everyone else is getting on. My approach of ignoring them seems to work.

Here’s a toast to erosion and corrosion…

Like many others, in this currently self destructive capitalist state, I have been unemployed for a goodly number of months and, despite being supported by the state, I’ve more or less managed to keep my head above water, paying off my stupid teenage debts, keeping all the music of the world at my beck and call through Napster and even funding my addiction to pretending I’m a dwarf with a shotgun that fires fireballs while my pet gorilla pulls trolls and furbolgs into tiny little, gooey bits.

I say ‘supported by the state’, it’s more like being dangled from a single strand of hair over a frothing pool of starving pirhanas. I’m feeling a bit like the Bum of Damocles, living in fear of March 14th, which is the day our ‘benevolent overlords’ decide that they can no longer support me and pitch me into the ruck of hungry fishies.

I’ve played by their rules, every other week I’ve gone and kowtowed to the harridan assigned to me (actually, that’s not really fair, I’ve taken a bit of a shine to Sheila), I’ve looked for, and indeed applied for jobs I’m in no way enthusiastic about, and in some cases, not even vaguely qualified for. I’ve gone along every other week, watching my morale dwindle to nothing as the weeks go by, and watching the number of jobs go down as people can’t afford to hire people on.

This is a bad time to be a creative specialist who charges £200 a day. People who can’t afford to buy bread certainly can’t afford to think about buying art!

The thing that I’m unable to understand is why the fuck the government feels it’s absolutely fine to throw the likes of me, a person who would actually quite like a job, to the wolves when at the same time haemorrhaging thousands of pounds a year on Grigor and his 14 wives and 29 kids from Istanbul, who not only aren’t allowed to work, but can’t even speak English, and have no intention of contributing to the country.

They’ve only arrived on British soil because our immigration control is, without putting too fine a point on it, fucking useless, and because the government can’t tell the difference between someone who actually needs a hand for a bit while he gets his feet back under him and someone who’s raping the coffers because they’ve heard that Britain is the land of milk and honey, but only if you don’t actually fucking live there. I’m sure there are immigrants who come to this country and contribute. I’m also sure I could count them on the fingers of one hand after a bench saw accident. But this isn’t just immigrants, they’re just at the front of the queue in the vitriol department.

This is also about those benefit toting cumbuckets who squeeze out a new kid every other week because it pays better than having a job… the same grimy shitbubbles that have a 40 a day habit, spend every other night in the pub while their freshly evacuated brats alternately scream the place down and inject their mommy’s heroin in to their eyeballs under the glazed eye of the fourteen year old babysitter who’s alternately smoking joints and smoking cock in the rubbish strewn backyard instead of watching the kids. These people have no intention of doing anything that qualifies as work ever. So long as the government will piss money over them and their inbred redneck spawn there’ll be no incentive to do anything than watch Jeremy Kyle and go on holidays (Benefit funded of course!) to Malaga with the hope of appearing in yet another shitty Channel 4 shockumentary about pissed up, cumbucket, stella chugging scallies on a bargin boozecruise of drinking and fighting.

I’ve gotten derailed a little bit there. The fact is that ‘our’ government is quite happy to spend hundreds of thousands of the taxpayers cold and hard cash on these bastards who, in both cases, usually can’t speak English and have no intention of working as opposed to the people like me who actually want to make something of our lives and to contribute to the country. It seems however, the only way I’m going to recieve any support from the leaders of this once great nation is to change my name to Iqbal and find some vile, slack, scally ‘chick’ to mass produce the progeny of my mighty seed while we watch daytime tv and yell at our obligatory staffie. Then again, I could loot the booze cupboard and the medicine cabinet and retire to the attic to invent the cocktail, ‘Death Suprise’.

Once upon a time I said “I won’t go to war for this country, but if someone tries invading they’ll find me on the beaches waiting for them!” These days, if someone tries invading they’ll find the keys under the mat and a note from me on the table telling them that their dinner’s in the microwave, wishing them all the best, and that they’re, frankly, fucking welcome to this shit tip that once upon a time ruled half the world. As soon as I get my shit sorted out I’m outta here.

It’s all yours, Grigor, good luck! Watch out for the One-eyed, Scottish Idiot.

Warning: My trousers will explode if you don’t pass this on to at least 38 people…

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, today’s topic is chain emails.  I don’t get them very often anymore, but when I do, well, you’d have to be some kind of utter, utter fucktard to think for even one second that there might be something to it.  This morning I got two from a friend on the other side of the world.  The first was supposedly from Tara and John, the supposed directors of MSN.  A quick google query takes you straight to the Sophos security site who inform the casual reader that it is a hoax, but more interestingly, their email came from Andy and John, the directors of MSN. What’s going on at MSN HQ?  Four directors?  Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

The reasoning behind this email was Tara and John (or John and Andy, or Adolf and Eva) were very kindly letting me know that MSN is closing down.  You heard me!  Closing down!!  The reasoning behind the sudden departure of an internet staple like MSN going down is because, and you’ll like this, they’ve run out of names because ‘too many inconsiderate pople are taking up all the name[sic] (e.g. Making up lots of different accounts for just one person, etc)’.

A quick bit of mental extrapolation suggests that the possible combinations of alpha-numeric strings of an undefined length, with optional special characters would provide a selection of ‘names’ verging on the infinite.  Considerably more, I’m sure you’ll agree, than the 578 they say they have left and to keep on using the service you’ll have to pay a 10.00 [currency unspecified] monthly fee.

To add a little more… flavour… to this stew of bollocks and fairy tales… the email has also been seasoned with a link, which Hotmail kindly blocked for me.  The link is this one - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/1189119.stm - A perfectly geniune and safe BBC link detailing MSN’s plans to charge for certain services.  If you’re a guillible twat or an utter retard, you might just get hooked in there.  Luckily all BBC news reports have the date on them.

It’s a good job that interweb giants like MSN, with a database of their users’ email addresses rely on that age old method of sending a message so important to a handful of people and asking them nicely, in 22 point sans serif, to pass it along to their friends.  I mean, it’d be much less reliable to use the ‘select all’ checkbox in their address database, right?

I say, Old Boy, could that be our spaceship?

As it happens I wasn’t going to post anything today… even the first Scumbag Wednesday of the year was ok, aside from me arriving at the job centre to discover the place filled with half the workforce from Woolworths and Zavvi, and that my regular job nazi was running ten minutes late.  This ten minutes on it’s own wouldn’t have been a problem, had I not already been sat there for the better part of half an hour seeing as my old man decided to treat me to lunch and a pint (try the Golden Monkey, this writer approves!) in a pub that would, quite frankly, make the denizens of The Slaughtered Lamb feel uneasy. I am, despite appearances, grateful for both lunch and pint. Thanks dad!

Anyway…  The reason for the post.  Simply put, the sheer stupidity of people.  Specifically in this case, and I’m being generous here, at least 60% of The Sun readership.  We’re talking the kind of people who think wifebeater shirts look good, especially if they have the  yellow stain of yesterday’s korma on them.  The kind of people who washed yesterday’s korma down with the better part of a case of wifebeater.  The kind of person who will argue that Wayne Rooney is actually a human being and not some kind of trained, retarded monkey that’s been taught to kick a ball around in return for bananas and bumlove in the post match showers.  The kind of person who can relate to the ‘guests’ on the ‘popular’ daytime ‘television show’ Jeremy Kyle*.

The other 40% can be broken down as follows:

5% Are school kids looking to ogle the titties on page 3.

5% Have picked it up by mistake and will swap it when they reach the petrol station counter.

30% Can’t read anyway so it doesn’t matter.

Why this scathing attack on The Sun readership? This article, borrowed from The Sun website. Is. That. A. UFO? No.  No it’s not. It’s a fucking cloud you inbred retard scum!  If you want to get specific about it, it’s a lenticular cloud, a particularly rare cloud formation caused by unusual meteorological conditions.  I especially like the second photo, just in case you also didn’t know what a fucking UFO was.

No doubt though, that other breed of UK fucktard, the UK:Living people, who watch all those programs about people’s cats being possessed by the spirit of Herman Goering, or dreaming their lives away being in a dark room with Derek Acorah; will be squealing in delight at this photographic proof that the aliens are among us.

It is photographic proof. Oh yes. Photographic proof that there are clouds.

*Yes, that link is deliberate. I hope you had your speakers on in the office.

Today’s big fuck you goes to…

‘Bobbles’ very kindly added this to my comments, such good advice I thought, that I’d pull it out and stick it on the frontpage.  Bobbles, a hearty thanks to you… and to UseNEXT, well, nothing short of a big FUCK YOU will do.

Yep I posted that comment on same forum. They cannot do jack. Sweet FA. Fuck all. Don’t worry. I haven’t even called them, and wouldn’t advise it. They may get yer phone number and start ringing several times a day. Anyway, as I said on the sane forum, just send them the prove it letter recorded delivery and with a £1 postal order to pay for the information you want. You will get the £1 back when they realise ‘oh shit’.

At teh end of the day, if they cannot prove that you owe them, do you think any court would beleive them? Nope.
CCI are just trying it on.
Usenext are well known for scamming people by supposedly not receiving cancellation agreements and then billing customers for services they have already cancelled.
Let me know how you all get on, jonny1102001@yahoo.co.uk.

So there we have it. They’re a bunch of thieving scumbags.

I’ll wear my orange coveralls and paint my face green…

I hope you’ve all had a good Christmas and New Year. Now that all the festivities are done with for another twelve months I’ll get back to spouting my angry vitriol.

So let’s start where we left off just before Christmas, with the strange letters that’ve been coming from UseNEXT. Quite a few of you have gotten in touch after getting similar stuff in the post. I’ve STILL heard nothing from CCI Legal, and I’m pretty sure they’d be keen to start jumping on me now that they’ve bought into the ‘debt’. I’ve also not heard from UseNEXT so I’ve done a bit of digging.

Let me stress this now, this is only what I’ve found and shouldn’t be taken as 100% accurate, ok? CCI Legal crops up over and over again on forums across the web in close conjunction with one word;SCAM. That’s right. They seem to be unable to get the details right for their ‘targets’ in some cases. In other cases they’re just completely wrong. In my own experience, given that they’ve failed to contact me after my initial query, and the fact that UseNEXT have supplied me with what, as far as I can see, is a faked invoice, and that the contact email goes to CCI and not UseNEXT, I’m inclined to declare this another scam from one party or the other.

Here’s my opinion. Getting one of these letters is stressful and causes the recipient to panic, miss the details and hand over the bank details and a handful of cash. Now I reckon it ain’t worth the time and expense for CCI to take people to a small claims court for such a paltry amount. I also reckon, from what my new readers and fellow ‘victims’ have said, that all the accounts they’re trying to charge are dead and have been for some time. I suspect there’s a whole pile of fake invoices and shit poised and ready to be delivered to unsuspecting folks. So, this is what I’m going to do…

FUCK ALL

I’ve contacted both parties, the ball is entirely in the court of the ‘collections agency’, and unless they deign to do something about it, I’m certainly not going to waste my time and effort trying to unravel this ball of string unless it goes critical.

So far I have one reader seeking legal advice, one challenging them to provide paperwork to back up their claim, and me, ignoring them until they go away. Let me know what you’re doing and how you’re getting on with it. I’d be especially interested to hear what CCI Legal have to say.

Drop me a line at touchmymonkey[at]googlemail[dot]com and tell me how it’s going.

The few of you that’ve gotten in touch don’t need my final comment from this post, but for those I’ve not replied to personally, or those who haven’t figured it out yet;

1. Don’t give them a single penny.
2. If they’ve got your details wrong, don’t tell them.
3. Don’t give them a single penny.

Technically points 1 and 3 are the same but it’s such an important point that I thought it was worth mentioning twice.

See these antlers? Right, so fuck off!

I hope you all had  good Christmas and are looking forward to an awesome new year.

Following my last post about UseNEXT I’ve made a little bit of progress – I’m no further forward really, they still claim that I owe them money for a subscription I haven’t asked for.  Being the curious type, and half a step from rage, I sent them a very polite, carefully worded email explaining my confusion at being charged, and I asked them for a fully itemised and dated record of what I’m being charged for. This is part of what I was sent;

Customer Information:
[REMOVED]
--------------------------------------------------------------
Invoiced Item:
--------------------------------------------------------------

Invoice Number: [REMOVED]
Date of Invoice : 02.12.2008

Number of Items: 1                                          
Unit Price:                                          4,20 Euro
-------------------------------                             
[UNXDE55] UseNeXT 20+                                       
(12.Jul.2006 - 12.Apr.2007)                                 
Number of Items: 1                                          
Unit Price:                                         75,28 Euro
-------------------------------                             
Net Price:                                          79,48 Euro
Tax: 
16% equals:                                          0,67 Euro
19% equals:                                         14,30 Euro
Total Price:                                        94,45 Euro

Date of Issue: 2008-12-03 

The amount includes reminder charges of 5.00 Euro. This amount is due 7 days after receipt of this notification. It can conveniently be paid via the link provided above. 

If you have any questions, please contact our partner: 
E-mail: [REMOVED]
Phone:  [REMOVED]

A little odd, no? That I’d be billed not for a contract that was firstly paid in advance and second expired in April 2007. Slightly confused I put this down to simple human error and generously gave them a chance to check their details and get back to me. I gently implied, very gently, that they’d sent me a faked invoice and fucked it up. Their response stinks of someone who is trying to bluff their way out of a lie that’s been rumbled. Here it is (I’ll type it rather than copy because it’s only a few lines of text!);

In reference to your recent inquiry on 22.12.2008:
Unfortunately we have to insist on the outstanding money.
Thank you for your understanding.
If you have any questions, please contact our partner:
E-mail: [REMOVED]
Phone: [REMOVED]

Have a nice day!

Right off the bat, my question has been ignored. I have been civil. As much as they have to insist on getting my money, I’m going to insist that they get to fuck. As for my understanding, I don’t understand, hence my questioning and expecting a proper answer. Finally, they don’t even seem to deal with their own problems, preferring to farm it out to someone else.

I know there’s one other person in this boat with me, so I’m going to keep blogging this bullshit. Drop me a line if UseNEXT have started chasing you for money they’ve no claim to. I’m fighting it, I urge you to join me.

UseNEXT, see these fingers? When they’re cold and dead you can lay claim to ‘your’ money, until then, you can fuck right off!

Jump in the line, rock your body on time…

Right… what was going to be another slow day has turned into a day of anger and venom.  See, when my post arrived this morning, I got a letter from a company called CCI Legal claiming I owed £101 or so to UseNEXT (and I’m fucked if they’re getting a link from me!) for a 6 month contract I haven’t used, recieved or even fucking asked for.  Despite them having my current email address they claim to have tried sending emails to my old address.  Obviously, being a doley scumbag I don’t have a spare £100 lying around gathering dust so I’m contesting this claim on the basis that only a complete and utter fucktard would hand over that sort of money for something that they haven’t had, and don’t fucking want.

Their argument is that my account is lapsed and they’ve tried to charge my card for it.  WHY?! I didn’t ask them to.  Add this to the fact that when my account has lapsed in the past they’ve done nothing about it at all.  They’ve been perfectly happy for me to come and go as and when I can afford.

At the moment I’m remaining calm through the magic of Harry Belafonte (courtesy of Grooveshark) and the little packet of Harido Fizzy Mix (courtesy of the shiny packing monkeys at Firebox).  

Today’s picture is thankfully ghost free… even spectres need a night off.  This one is called ‘whatarethechances‘ and is up for grabs at the usual place.